The lake
Nakajima had said he wanted to go see his friends, and yet whenever he talked about it his expression got incredibly gloomy. So I asked him about it.
"Do you feel a need to see these friends of yours now?"
"No it's not that," He said. " I feel like maybe now I can."
"If I come along, you mean?" I asked.
"Exactly...I mean, you're so cheerful," Nakajima said.
"Maybe I'm not as cheerful as you think," I replied.
It wasn't that I was annoyed; I just didn't want to let him down.
I had the feeling that Nakajima was taking one aspect of me - the straightforward, easy-going part that emerged when I was with him, the cheerful surface that I had inherited form my mom - and blowing it all out of proportion. If so, he might feel terribly betrayed when my dark, somber side eventually showed it's face.
"No, I know that, It's just...I know I can't express it very well, now matter how I phrase it, but you're just right. This sounds kind of odd, but your proportions are just right."
I sort of knew what he was trying to say. Considering how smart Nakajima was, I bet he could have found a way to express more precisely what it was like to push his body to the limit while studying, or his perspective on the way my emotions were structured inside me. He was just being nice, communicating on my level. That's what made it sound vague.
Still I had the sense that right then it helped for him to be talking about something, and so I decided to draw him out. I intentionally cocked my head slightly, feigning puzzlement.
"I mean, for you love is more important than anything else, right, Chihiro?" Nakajima said. "But you don't try to control other people, do you?"
"I guess that's pretty true," I replied.
"And you cherish the memory of your mother? Of course, everyone has little knots in their hearts, no matter what their families are like - but wouldn't you say that in your case you feel love and hate in ordinary, healthy amounts? Even if one may seem a bit stronger at times?"
"Yeah I'd agree with that."
"And you don't hate your father, do you?"
"No, I don't. If anything I think he's kind of lovable. The environment we lived in wasn't ideal, but I suspect that it actually made it easier for us to expres our love than in your average family. We didn't fit into any ready category, so we all had to work that much harder."
"Exactly - you don't have that sense that you can take your family for granted, that's why I feel so comfortable with you. You see your family members for what they are, and you look at me in an ordinary way, without wishing that I was somehow different," Nakajima said, his tone very level.
- The Lake, Banana Yoshimoto
Friday, June 28, 2013 @ 7:23 PM / 0 daisies