Get a grip
"I see he still has that effect on you.""Well yes, he's one of a kind."
My hands still shiver, I couldn't feel my legs. I start panicking, walking around aimlessly. Don't even get me started on how my heart gets hammered when I thought I saw the sight of him. And how it freakishly beats way too fast I couldn't control it.
Did he see me? After all he did look in my direction. My mind's been replaying the scene where I saw him across the street last week. Over and over and over... Oh dear god please just let him not see me.
I wanted to run away at the sight of him, but at the same time strike a conversation. What do I do, what do i do? I ran away. I couldn't stand how fast this freaking heart is beating, I decided to walk away, pretended I never knew him at all.
Remain your composure, I told myself. I realized I was holding my friend's arm tightly. real tight actually.
"Dude let go man, what's with you?"
"I'm so sorry!"
It bothered me for a week, just that glimpse of him bothered me that much. I couldn't eat at the thought of him, couldn't get a wink of sleep either. I tire myself out till I had no choice but to get sleep. He's my first thought in the morning.
My mind keeps wandering to where he is. This is sick, I don't think I've ever felt anything like this with anyone I'm not attached to.
He makes me want to cry, but he makes me happy at the same time. He makes me regret that I ever met him, but at the same time I feel really lucky to ever meet someone as nice as him. He makes me feel like I should push him away, but I don't want to.
what the actual ____ is going on here?
I thought about him getting old. or looking sick or tired. I thought about food all over his mouth, I thought about all the wrinkles that he's going to have when he ages. I forced myself to feel disgusted so that I'd forget. The things I do to keep myself sane.
But it didn't work, one bit at all. My heart accepted how ugly he looked and how unkept his hair will be.
"Quit it, He probably even forgot you still exist. He's going to date someone else, probably get married in a few years time with a wife, be happy with his job and everything else. So get over it, nobody cares how you feel."
"That's not helping at all, But thanks for trying."
I couldn't blame my friend for saying that, I guess she was right. Nobody cares about how crazy I feel about this guy. Absolutely, nobody. It's better if I should just quit it. I was determined for a minute, "I've got to do this, I've got to do this." I chanted.
I often get flashbacks on how I felt when he told me all of his exciting stories about his life. I actually felt inferior. Like I couldn't be compared to him at all, Too delicate to break, Too expensive for me to even touch. Cheesy description, I'd agree. But that isn't my point.
I just wanted to sit beside him and be happy for what he has achieved. I felt like I haven't achieved enough to be compared to him, In other words. I felt inferior in all ways. Like I wasn't good enough because he was that erm, perfect isn't the word, but right. just right to me.
God This is so frustrating, I should probably let go. All of this feelings are so silly and not to mention stupid. I pray to God that these feelings would go off soon, and that this is His plan to make myself in control of my feelings.
Okay, Okay. Get a grip. Get a G R I P
Monday, November 26, 2012 @ 3:27 AM / 1 daisies