And I think it's about time to do some self-reflecting.

Every morning I catch myself standing in front of the mirror thinking about things. Mostly about things that bothered me throughout the day and night, the ones that is always at the back of my mind even when I try real hard to shrug it off.

And these thoughts are so loud I can barely keep my eyes closed for more than 30 minutes. I have difficulties sleeping now, sometimes i even force my eyes to keep shut by covering it with my dad socks.

I've always been positive in life, strong and forever telling myself that I will not falter. I get sad once in a while but I'll feel better the next morning. But this dragged on for 3 whole days and it's as if my ability to think positive is lost. The anchor of my heart weighs heavier, my breathing gets lighter and smaller.

I hate to be in doubt. And the negative thoughts that flows in seems to be all over the place, where is the positivity when I need it the most?

I get so tired during the day, and restless during the night. As though I am waiting for something to happen, like I am hanging onto a line.

Instrumental songs strikes my soul even deeper now, and it made the anchor weigh even more. Rather queer for someone who listens to music who makes herself calm.

I find myself over-thinking about little things even more. Like when I head to a bookstore and saw someone taking a book that says "How can you improve yourself within 30 days" I start to question, 'What is that book? Why is he reading the contents of it?'

I'd love to talk, but I can't seem to really voice out what I'm feeling. Maybe the people I've been around weren't the people I want to talk to, maybe they're not the people I'd console myself with because they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't want to listen to my horrible selfish thoughts and feelings because they're busy with their own lives and probably tired too.

So I started to drown myself with poetry, and that's how my love for poetry grew. Everyday I read these quotes from books that feels the same way I felt to make myself feel better, if that even make sense.

Day by day my appetite decreases as I let it take over the rest of me. What is this, really?

Am I afraid of something? Was I afraid of being brought down?

Sometimes I think I've been reading too much depressing books, and that's partly the reason why I'm the way I am now. It's not, really, the books I read is only helping me to escape what I have been feeling. Or maybe the attention from someone close isn't there anymore, and you realised you've become dependant to it.

When the things you're facing tells you to make a decision but you don't know how to go about it, even though you know every consequence after a decision is made. It was so much easier to say it, 'When the time comes, I'll make a decision."

And that's just it about me, I don't know what's the best for me. I'm turning 20 next year, and I like taking chances because then the 'Buts' and 'Ifs' will constantly hunt me during my sleep, keeping me awake.

I'll always take the risk when I feel like it's worth it, sometimes I listen to my heart way too often to realise that there are pretty loud scratches already made. Doubting one self is probably one of the worst feelings ever. One of the hardest things that I have difficulty in is to differentiate between reality or it's just me, thinking.

It's always hard to do it alone, especially when you decide to make the first move onto the battlefield, without any gears on for the fight. Only the heart with real sincerity, sometimes I fear it's really not enough.

Sometimes I tell myself to take a break and to reconsider. To either save myself or to go on with full force with all I have left inside. Like I've been way strong for too long that the slightest tick will make me break.

My faith is all that kept me strong in my life, I just wish I could cry on the praying mat praying to the Almighty asking for the strength I need.

I wish someone will do all the things for me, being strong for me, making the decisions and all of the thinking all the patience and the doubting of one's thoughts, the things to look forward to and not. The waking up and the sleeping.

Maybe I'm emotionally tired. Having to go through things on my own and not having any support for anything I do at all. It grew me into an independent person, but what they say is right. Everybody, needs somebody. Having to go through problems by myself and face it all on my own is tiring, having to not talk about it to someone is tiring, having to bottle it up and be patient is tiring. Emotionally tired, that's what I am.

and I'm not talking about a relationship, or my other half. I could live without that. Its just, well, the person is just physically not there. I'm not talking about anyone in particular though, don't get me wrong.

I miss feeling appreciated for all the nice things I have done, and for someone to know when I'm not feeling right when they see me, just like that. I miss being noticed although I really love blending into society and not wanting anyone to notice me. I miss being taken seriously for once, and not always kept in doubt. I miss the feeling as though I know a particular someone is going to be there for me through thick and thin. I miss being taken care of, honestly, I am tired of taking care of people's feelings and their physical state because i truly care.

I find myself giving and giving I found myself with nothing else to give. That is a terrible feeling to feel, nothing at all. And what's worst when you realise they don't even bother to appreciate all the effort you've given. It's heart breaking, that's why I'll never take a persons gratefulness for granted. Not with what I've learnt.

A person who appreciates is one of those I'd like to keep in my life, or stay, in other words.

That's it. I've figured it out. I'm probably going to regret posting this but there is really no place... that's right for me to pour what ever I've always been holding back to say.